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2004-10-10 - 12:39 p.m.
safe
on friday i had to go to work again. it is pretty annoying that i have to waste my time there but at least i get money for sitting around and staring out of the window - it is something that does not usually happen at home. ok, so while i was there i had to go and see the health and safety man. i do not think i am too unsafe but it is company policy and also meant that i would not have to concentrate on pretending to be working for an hour so i thought it would not be too bad.
anyway, i went down to his office expecting to just talk about not electrocuting myself or drinking chemicals or throwing punches or something but instead he started asking me all sorts of personal questions about my history and what i like to do outside of work and etc. i did not know what that had to do with being safe and also i learnt from a young age not to talk too much to strangers so instead of telling him what i really do i just made up a load of stuff about sports and going to crap music clubs or whatever everyone else does. i was pretty worried that if i told him that i just like to make things for the internet and listen to indie music then he would think that i am not like everyone else and that he could maybe latch on to me because i am a work outsider like him (i think his dead eyes and fixed, gap-tooth smile make him unpopular with other coworkers). it is the first rule of employment - never let anyone know that you do not do the same things as them because they cannot understand (most have rotten brains from too much tv watching, i think).
ok, so while he was explaining to me about the sports he likes to watch i was planning my escape. since i was sitting by his desk the only things i had to hand were the office items arranged on and around it. if i had had recyclebot with me then the solution would maybe have been both easy and messy but i had left him back with my computer trying to hook me up to the internet so i had to do this job myself. in fact, both the problem and the solution were health and safety because by moving the desk items when his back was turned i could cause enough hazards to both dent the safety man's safety confidence and get out of there. based on this, here are some safety tips for the office environment:
1. DO NOT balance coffee cups right on the edge of your desk so that you spill hot liquids onto your lap.
2. DO put books on shelves and not on the floor where you will trip over them.
3. DO NOT take one wheel off your chair so that it falls over when you sit down and you hit your head on the computer monitor.
4. DO NOT put your stapler where the telephone should be so that you fire staples into your head when you answer your calls. (this did not really happen but it is the sort of thing that would happen in a weak sitcom).
5. DO NOT slam your hand repeatedly in a desk draw.
6. DO NOT stab pens into your legs (or arms).
7. DO know when you are beaten by a superior health and safety force.
paul.
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