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2004-12-02 - 8:47 p.m.
gum
ok, so as a second rate science graduate it is hard for me to just accept the results of scientific studies without question. it is maybe one reason why i have been doing part-time sociological research during my way to the office. also, it is sort of hard to ignore sweaty train people when they are squashed up against you at eight in the morning. anyway, i am happy to announce my findings on the topic of chewing gum chewers classification.
it was a couple of weeks ago that there was a big thing in the news here in britain about how government funded research had discovered that chewing gum chewers can be divided into six types depending on how they threw away the gum. it was maybe not too great as far as research goes because they forgot to include people who just throw their gum in the garbage. it is not too hard to see that this is a problem, i think.
ok, so over the course of the last three months i have collected enough data to uncover a more fundamental gum chewer classification. it is a flawless piece of research because i am independent of government funding and pressure which makes me less rubbish. in summary, there are just two types of gum chewer and they can be differentiated by what i am terming the interchew interval or ICI. it is a technical thing to describe the amount of time that passes between successive gum chews.
this clear distinction between the two types of chewers occurs at an ICI of one second. it is the difference between recreational gum chewing and a broken brain, i think. those individuals who chew their gum more than once per second are not simply grade A mouth breathing cretins, they in fact have a runaway jaw (possibly caused by empty head from excessive tv watching) - a cerebral disorder that also tends to result in chewing with mouth open. it maybe seems that this is all evidence to suggest that i am some sort of rapid gum chewing intollerant but i drew a graph of the data that showed the facts conclusively. unfortunately, i was in the woods and a squirrel stole it off of me.
this is not quite the end of the research, however, because i have also discovered that the chewing boundary is not insurmountable. on the train yesterday there was clear evidence in the form of a married couple - one with a very low and one with a very high ICI. it just goes to show that love can still blossom despite awkward chewing barriers.
paul.
p.s. please send the nobel prize to: paul, c/o london, united kingdom.
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