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2004-09-16 - 7:16 p.m.


ok, so right now i am pretty exhausted and my foot sort of hurts because i have walked about 8 miles today. it may seem like a stupid thing to do but i think it is better than driving your car to the gym and then running on a machine and then driving home again and i am 50 pounds up on the deal (that is money, not weight). it did not require stealing or anything. anyway, that is not what i want to write about.

yesterday i was at a restaurant. it is maybe not the sort of place you would expect to find me but it was a special occasion as i took my dad out for buy-one-get-one-free all-you-can-eat fun. (ok, it is not really all-you-can-eat but the way the place is set up they do not notice if you go back for more food - it is the perfect crime.) it is only his birthday once a year and everyone deserves a treat every now and again i think - especially if it is the equivalent of half price.

anyway, at an average of just three pounds (i think it is about six us dollars) per head it was an opportunity not to be missed. i think that if you do a good all-you-can-eat job in one sitting then you will maybe not have to eat again for the rest of the week. however, i misjudged my stomach capacity and quickly found that i was getting too heavy and it was time to drop the kids off to make room for more meat and green things.

ok, so i went to the bathroom and did the business (you do not need to know the details) and flushed everything away and was about to go when i realised that the toilet was still filling up with water over the normal level. it was a toilet disaster. now i am not a qualified plumber but i know that is not good when there is water on the floor so i opened up the cistern and fished around and it sort of stopped so the panic was over. the place still looked like a toilet bomb had hit it though and obviously i did not want to get into trouble so i used my brain to come up with a plan.

first of all, i dried off my arm so that it would not look like i had peed all over myself and then nonchalantly went out and over to the waitress and borrowed a pen. i then went back into the bathroom and used the pen and long strips of toilet paper to make police tape saying TOILET CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION - DO NOT CROSS and strung them across the toilet door. i do not think anyone was too suspicious after that because we got to keep eating and walk out like important restaurant patrons. i think that the toilet police must garner a lot of respect in my area.


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